I didn't know

I have a friend who is getting her ultrasound today and finding out if her baby is a boy or a girl. I remember how excited I was to find out the gender of our baby. We were had a trip planned to Indiana to visit Spencer's siblings and my aunt promised that as soon as we got back, she would give me an ultrasound and tell us what we were having. I would be 14 weeks the day we got back from the trip, and while Indiana was awesome and I really enjoyed it, I couldn't wait to get home to find out if there was a little girl or a little boy growing inside me.

 Something about knowing the gender of your baby makes it suddenly more real and more personal. We saw the first images of Samuel on the monitor and the excitement in the room was tangible. I felt like my heart was beating so fast. I was amazed by his tiny toes and the profile of his face. And when she said, "it's a boy!" it felt so right. Spencer was beside himself with glee and I couldn't stop thinking about my BOY.  MY.  BOY.  I felt so much more connected to HIM, and over the next several months I loved imagining who he would be and feeling his kicks and movements. But I had no idea how much I would love him.

 I didn't know how his big smile with that little tongue sticking out would sweep away any anxiety or stress I felt. I didn't know that we would spend hours talking to each other in coos and other nonsensical noises, or that through those sounds, we would communicate so much. I didn't know how a wrinkled raised brow or a tiny fist opening and closing would mean the world to me. How could I have known? I didn't know what a big personality my tiny boy would have or how quickly he would change and grow. He is definitely his own person. And I am his mama. How did I get so lucky?

 I still don't know.

Nothing prepares you for being a mother, not tending other people's children, not watching your friends and siblings becoming mothers, not taking prenatal classes.  Because nothing will change you like holding your own tiny baby in your arms for the first time.  And you can never anticipate the wonder and complexity of a new person, with all their own emotions and needs and personality.  Getting to know that individual in such an intimate way, that I think only a mother really does, is seriously the craziest and more rewarding thing I have ever embarked upon.  I never could have known how much this would change my life.  I love it so!